Episode

Sea King Campaign #1 - Port Authorities!

Hear ye, hear ye! This session of the chamber of commerce of the town of Reef is now in session! This week we will be discussing the hot button issue that’s on everyone’s minds: the proposed ordinance banning the use of ships as stakes in games of chance.

ORDER! Order, everyone! Please keep calm, or the bailiff will have you removed! Now, as I was saying, after last week’s heated debate over the 2% increase in taxation on imported brass gauntlets, new rules of order have been implemented to keep our discussion civilized and brief. We don’t want a repeat of the infamous 72-hour filibuster on the Cleaning Up After Your Imp bill…

This week Patrick leads Alex, David, and Steven through the intricacies of a port town economy before sending them on a perfectly safe sea voyage as pirate bait. When their mission goes awry, an overly imaginative wizard, a questionably-good warlock, and an existential robotic warrior find themselves in the middle of a painstakingly described mutiny. But what lurks beneath the waves may prove even more deadly.

Serenity Campaign #3 - We Game To Misbehave!

Fortify the barricades! Seal the entrances! Enable the overly-complicated concentric circular turrets. Those fools are making their way toward our secret underground base as we speak, and I will not have them blasting their way in here like a bunch of goram renegades. I mean, c’mon! There’s a fat old one, a delusional wannabe robot, and a Memento guy! If we let them get in here we’ll look even worse than they do.

What’s that? My sensors are picking up something moving extremely fast in the nearby canyon. Something with a jet engine. And a badass looking coat…

It’s time for a show of hands as our heroes face off with the once-loved Sammy, the traitorous robot. Despite being somewhat of a non sequitur, Sammy’s betrayal has thrown our adventurers and their empty stomachs into a timeless expanse of hyperspace, and it's there they make their stand. Heartbreak, hopelessness, and high-speed explosions abound in the thrilling conclusion to our three-part space opera. Have the tissues on hand for Episode 3 of The Serenity Campaign!

Serenity Campaign #2 - Dine & Dash!

Oi, Stuart! Get off yer goram ass and grab those forceps. I expect my special amber eye back in my head or you’ll be eating yer meals out of a feh feh pi goh without a straw! First them boys rip out my eye, then they make off with my ship… Why'd they have to do that to my long johns, eh? Seems right disrespectful, it does. Makes me feel like doing something disrespectful to them, if you catch my meaning… BEN TIAN SHENG DE YI DUI ROU! Watch where yer sewing! That’s my gou cao de eye yer messin’ with! It’s out of warranty, so be careful! Right, now that I've used up all the chinese phrases I know, we can be off to reacquaint ourselves with those thievin' bastards, and it won't seem strange that I don't use any of said phrases in my normal speakin' patterns. 

This week our wayward warpers find themselves victims of an interrupted brunch, bitter heartbreak, and also some minor lacerations. There’s no time for romance as the alliance closes in on our heroes, but salvation comes in the form of an extremely irish plot device with a terrible secret. Well, actually it’s Lenny’s terrible secret, but he couldn’t remember it, so his irish friend held onto it for him. Listen in as we serve up a heaping helping of hollandaise-topped action with an ice-cold glass of intrigue in Episode Two of the Serenity Campaign!

 

Serenity Campaign #1 - Leavin' Atmo'!

Well, Mr. Pensacola, I’m afraid the prognosis isn’t good for your son, Lenny. Now you mentioned that you have some medical experience yourself, which I’m assuming was more than simply driving from town to town selling the easily-convinced populace off-brand Space Viagra, so I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. He’s got Memento Disease -- what the laymans commonly call anterograde amnesia. He can’t form new memories so he’s not going to be great company, though he could possibly provide some dramatic tension were he to be put in the midst of some grand adventure…

This week the RPGentlemen tackle the important questions of the ‘verse as Patrick plunges Alex, David, and Dan into the cosmic kerfuffle that is his take on the Firefly universe. The unlikely trio of a smooth-talking salesman, his tough but thoroughly-Mementoed son, and a more-than-somewhat delusional engineer find themselves embroiled in a tale of deceit and… brown coats, probably? Listen in for all the Firefly lingo in Episode One of the Serenity Campaign!

Sun Son: A Tale of Sun Sons!

Space! The final frontier! Yeah, I suppose we gnomes have been working in space for several centuries at this point, but you get what I mean, Gnomie. I was trying to be dramatic. It can take a lot out of you, waking up on a lonely comet every day for fifty years. Leaves a gnome wondering about what’s important in life. Sure, I suppose this ritual to keep the sun burning is a pretty big deal, but a 50 year stint on this gods-forsaken pile of ice and rock can really leave a gnome wondering about his life choices. I suppose I should be grateful that I’m not one of those Starborn getting thrown into the sun, but I wouldn’t mind stretching out in the grassy plains of Fylara either. Would a week’s vacation every year be too much to ask? At least all our preparation will pay off tomorrow when the ritual’s over. We’ll finally get to go home and enjoy a peaceful life free from any sort of adventure or excitement. Yes sir, no explosions or crazy magical mutations for me! Oh, there’s the signal; time to go watch the completely uneventful ritual. Should be nice and boring.

This week our adventurers… are taking a break, so instead RPGentlemen presents a one-off adventure David is calling Sun Son (much to the chagrin of everyone else). Listen in to all the excitement and non-canonical hijinx as Patrick, Sean, and Steven try their hands at keeping the sun from being extinguished by the forces of darkness. Can their righteousness prevail over their own ineptitude? Find out on The Sun Son Campaign!

Kain Campaign #13 - Psionic Prom Part II

Alright, you miscreants. As long as I’m the Dean of Discipline at Kain Psionic High, you lot of troublemakers won’t be seeing another high school dance until you’re chaperoning your own childrens’ prom. I’d stop you from even doing that, but I’m just assuming that I’ll be dead by then. It’s not morbid or anything, it’s just a tough life in the Kain Empire, you know? One day you’re chastising a group of troubled youths, and the next thing you know, you’re wrapped up in some sort of duel to the death with a psionic projection of this year’s hottest theater star, Johnny Angel. I mean, that’s just one example, obviously, but you never know.

This week our adventurers lay it all on the line in hopes of being crowned King and Queen (or King and King, or King and Trash) of Psionic Prom. They’ll laugh! They’ll love! And they might even learn a thing or two about subtly handling delicate social situations… Just kidding! They make asses of themselves. But at least they look good doing it! All this and more in Episode 13 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #12 - Psionic Prom Part I

No no! Now it’s uneven again! Raise the left side a little… There, perfect! This banner looks totally sweet, and “Third Eyes Wide Shut,” is such a killer prom theme! I like, can’t even stand how excited I am for this year’s psionic prom. It’s going to make last year’s prom look as bad as Becky Frostbane looked at last year’s prom. Oh sorry, Becky, I forgot I was talking to you. But this prom is going to be off the hook, is what I’m saying!

I think my favorite part is the big Psi-Ball game. Terren promised me he’d score a point for me! Isn’t that romantic? I mean, he’s obviously going to win! He’s like the best battlemind in school. His mind and body are like totally one! Like, they’re like even less than one. His mind and body are like half! Those nerdy psion kids don’t even stand a chance. The only thing I’m worried about is that Terren is like super scared of spiders. Especially big white, flame-resistant spiders. And trashbags for some reason. Thankfully he won’t have to face any of those things on the field!

This week our adventurers get a makeover so they don’t look like such shit! But seriously, we play dress up and then get messed up at the poshest school-sponsored event of the season: Psionic Prom! Join our heroes for all the non-life-threatening drama as they navigate the deep, dark delves of high school social politics. But which pairing will win the coveted title of Prom Royalty? Find out in Episode 12 of The Kain Campaign!

 

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Kain Campaign #11 - All That Glitters… Can Be Used As A Weapon!

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Who’s a pretty little gold piece? You are! Yes you are! I love you and all your brother and sister gold pieces too! Even your cousins shaped into magical swords and beautiful chalices - you’re all precious to me! You are my glimmering children, and I will protect you forever and ever in my soon-to-be underwater hoard, where nobody will ever disturb us.

You’re so much prettier and more well behaved than those stinking, idiot goblins. And I never have to worry about you betraying me! That couldn’t possibly happen in a million years. I mean, ha!, you’re just inanimate pieces of metal and gems. I suppose in theory a heroic, clever, and extremely handsome adventurer could combine his blood with you inside my magical Our-Glass to give form and purpose to your mass, ultimately using you against me in an epic struggle to the death...

But what are the odds of that happening?!

Our Dra-Goblin slaying quest literally reaches its zenith this week as our adventurers continue their fiery combat with Gary the Good and Barry the Best. Can our heroes remain unexploded long enough to stop Gary and his somewhat small-potatoes plan to destroy the village of Undercurrent? Will Arkmenos finally use his bats to accomplish a simple task? Will Barry and Dap continue their whirlwind romance even after one of them dies brutally? Alright, I’ll tell you that the last one doesn’t happen. But those first two might! So listen in to Episode 11 of The Kain Campaign!

Our art this week is another awesome drawing by Joseph Garcia! And as always, check him out on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

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Kain Campaign #10 - Beauty Is In The Mouth Of The Beholder!

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Oh Gary, you made me hairy! To keep me warm while I guard your icy lair!

Oh Gary, you made me wary! To better guard your spiral stair!

Oh Gary, you made me scary! So no one would want to be my friend!

Oh Gary… I can’t eat dairy! Or else I burp out of all five ends…

Well, my song about Gary sure is coming along! I wonder when he’ll let me sing it for him. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him! The goblins that lugged those fishy smelling barrels into the basement probably got to see him… I wonder why Gary would allow them to hang out with his majestic self while I’m just floating in this spiral staircase. I know that I’ve got to protect this hatch to his beloved hoard at all costs, but I can only write bawdy accounts of Gary and my future exploits for so long. I’m running out of ice wall! Wait, I think I hear a party of adventurers coming down the spiral staircase! Maybe Gary sent them to be my friends!

This week our heroes find themselves face to face and mouth to mouths with one of Gary’s strangest (and friendliest) creations! Will they immediately kill this lovingly-crafted NPC like they have with almost every other creation of David’s? I’m not bitter. Shut up! Listen in and find out on Episode 10 of The Kain Campaign!

And a shoutout to Joseph Garcia, who drew the above awesome picture of Gerold, who you will have the pleasure of meeting this episode! Check him out on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

Kain Campaign #9 - Family Matters!

KainCrew

Kids, stop fighting! No you cannot have another psionic warhammer! You haven’t even used the shapeshifting amulet that your father made you for your birthday. Do you think highly advanced psionic technology grows on trees? Your father slaved for hours over his forge to make these presents for you. We may be separated, but that doesn’t mean that you can play one of us against the other. I used to be your age, and I know every trick in the book. Psionically projecting an illusory version of yourself in bed while you sneak out to party, using pyrokinesis to make it seem like you have a fever, breaking into a goblin-dragon’s secret lair using a glowing pendant as a jerry-rigged teleporter… I know them all!

This week our adventurers continue their dungeon crawl through Gary the Good Goblin’s mountain lair while enlisting the help of Moko the blacksmith/Dap’s stand-in father figure. But how will Dap fair when Moko's real son joins the fray? Not well! The family drama heats up in Episode 9 of The Kain Campaign!