Episode

Ballad of the Norc Orcs Ep.2 - Reader of the Pack

Dwarf Date: Gearvember the 33rd

Location: W̶a̶r̶ ̶B̶a̶l̶l̶o̶o̶n̶ ̶A̶b̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶B̶o̶a̶r̶s̶’̶ ̶H̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶M̶e̶s̶a̶ Classified

Commanding Officer: Thoradin Khazaduum

Notes: It’s been ‘bout three hours since we raided those blasted orc savages in their grass huts. Workin’ on s̶t̶o̶l̶e̶n̶ recovered intelligence, we had surmised that those brutes would be performin’ some sort o’ divination ritual. We weren’t certain, but I knew in my stout dwarven belly that it was meant to bring about the downfall o’ our beloved Boredig Empire.

Well ne’er to fear, my brave platoon o’ stalwart dwarven warriors -- or dwarriors, if’n ya will -- found those heathens in the middle o’ their ritual and scattered their sacred relic to the wind… aaaaand we may o’ burned their entire settlement to the ground along with many o̶’̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶w̶e̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶s̶ civilians.

But overall it was a b̶l̶a̶z̶i̶n̶g̶ roaring success.  I have the utmost faith that there be no chance o’ retaliation whatsoever.

Oh, we also saw a pack o’ wolves in the desert below, and Gloina turned one o’ them into a human a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶j̶o̶k̶e̶ for scientific research purposes. Will report more on that later.

Ballad of the Norc Orcs Ep.1 - Sibling Rivalry

Now where in the plains of hell did I put that lizard?! I swear, I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t so ornately decorated with feathers and bones. The first destiny-foretelling ceremony in 26 years, and I have to go and misplace the holy relic three hours before the rains are supposed to begin… By the boar’s three tusks, I swear I’m not going to look like some sort of forgetful Flark in front of the whole village. Maybe I’ll just use one of these less ordained lizards. There, if I stick a few feathers and shiny rocks on it, it looks as holy as any other lizard. Perfect! Time to make a young orc’s dreams come true and crush the dreams of his/her two siblings!

This week, Laura, Sean, and Patrick pit wits against each other in a story taking place in parallel with The Kain Campaign. They assay the roles of triplets from the Norc orc clan on the eve of Spring Song: the ceremony that will determine which of them is the foretold chosen one. Will they be able to put aside their sibling quarrels for the good of the tribe? And will everything go as planned with a smooth resolution to this prickly familial situation? The short answer is no! Listen in to all the name calling and abandonment issues in Episode 1 of The Norc Orc Campaign!

Bad Jax: Interstellar Furiosa

Dear god-diary,

Sometimes it feels like an eternity that I’ve been cramped up in this pocket dimension I created for myself. I suppose it is technically an eternity, but I’ve never been one to get hung up on semantics, and that’s an argument for a different journal entry, so let’s get down to crass facts. Diary, I’ve come to you today (or whatever constitutes a day here in my timeless void) to confide a secret.

I’m hecka bored, diary!

There’s nothing to do in here. I thought this safe haven away from the destructive arcane forces that infected my siblings would be party central. You know, everybody just thankful to be safe, chilling out and downing a few ambrosias. But damned if I’m the only one in here! Apart from these husks of my former angels. But they were never much good company anyway. That’s why I betrayed so many of them… You know, I may be bored here, but at least in this bunker of solitude, I know I won’t ever have to showdown with one of my fallen angels hell-bent on revenge. Never.

This week Patrick’s high-octane thrill ride takes a turn for the celestial as The Cap’n and Rulcet the Dulcet find themselves visitors in the halls of the King of Death. Jax has some curious notions about how a guest should behave, though, as she leads our heroes on a quest to kill Death in order to find the god that betrayed her. Listen in for all the planes-hopping fun in Bad Jax: Interstellar Furiosa!

Bad Jax: Jury Road Episode 1

Welcome, sports lovers, to the 487th Annual Grease Bowl! The true test of a feetbowl player. Two teams facing off in the grease to prove who’s the ultimate athlete. After the disgrace last year of Krunk the Half-Giant’s corked-spear scandal during the third half, we’re all ready for a good, clean game this year. Granted, there’s only so clean that a feetbowl game can be kept considering all the blood… But that’s all part of the excitement of the game!

This week Dan and David find themselves in Patrick’s mad envisioning of the Dark Sun world. A world full of vehicular homicide and a poor understanding of sports. But that won’t stop sports star, The Cap’n, and his hype bard, Rulcet the Dulcet, from helping a mysterious stranger on her holy quest to kill the last god. All that and knife wielding octopi in Bad Jax: Jury Road!

Kain Campaign #28 - Divine In-Tree-Vention!

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Say, Curtis, you see something up thur at the top o’ yonder Whistlin’ Maple? It’s hard to make out, but it looks like maybe Bonobo’s gone and found a cloister of exclusive followers to help perform that ritual Arkmoto was blabbering on about earlier. Oh, to be a friend o’ Bonobo. Living the privileged life… What’s that, Curt? You know, I think yer right. That does look like some sort of kerfuffle is occurring atop that majestic tree o’ ours. And now that ye mention it, there does appear to be some sort of green, dragon-looking feller plummeting toward the ground at presumably terminal velocity. Tho’ I dun’t claim to be no physicist. I’ll leave that determination up ta the powers that be….

Yes this week our heroes find themselves atop the mighty central tree, face to face with the eponymous Bonobo! Well, face to faces of those that Bonobo has psychically infected. With Lo’Kron’s luck about to run out, and Dap’s “beloved” “brother” caught in the middle of this showdown, the party must band together like never before if they want to get out alive. Listen in to the Season 2 Finale in Episode 28 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #27 - Hello, Moto!

Friends of Bonobo! We are gathered here today to celebrate a momentous occasion! All your hard work has been leading to this Bono-blessed day. The sprouting of this tree will mark the culmination of your Bono-beneficent leader’s Bono-brilliant plan to spread word. The word of Bonobo! No more Bono-biting our tongues or Bono-biding our time. For now is our time. My father did not send me here from the Nine Hells Theater Troupe to fail at my first re-Bono-branding campaign! With this ritual completed, Bonobo’s name will be on everyone’s lips until their dying Bono-breath...

This week our heroes have discovered the truth about the psionic virus that is Bonobo, but is it too late for the already infected Lo’Kron? Granted, he’s already pretty crazy, so maybe a little more won’t hurt. Even then, the party must find a way to free the hypnotized villagers from Bonobo’s lip grip and stop the disease from spreading. Plus, what’s Ark’s bro doing hanging around with psionic viruses anyway? The party will probably gently suggest to him that he should change his ways. Or, ya know, maybe try something a little more aggresive. All this and spider nipples in Episode 27 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #26 - Epic Litter-ature!

Alright, first pick up of the day is The Surly Burly Man.

Gods, that place is filthy. And I don’t mean that as any sort of judgement or characterization of the sexual orientation of the patrons of that particular establishment. I’m simply saying that they don’t seem to hold themselves to the same hygienic standards as the rest of us followers of Bonobo.

Though they may yet have Bonobo’s wisdom smile upon them. My listless brother-in-law, Mykkal used to frequent The SB Man. He was in his cups more often than not, and my wife was distraught that she could have a brother so antithetical to the spirit of Bonobo. But damn if it wasn’t just last week that Mykkal came over in a spotless suit of clothes, preaching the word of Bonobo, and singing songs of the great works which he would accomplish in Bonobo’s name. I suppose it’s really a testament to Bonobo’s amazing leadership abilities.

You know, I may just be a lowly trash collector, but today I’m singing the gospel of Bonobo to everyone I meet. Starting with this alley-vagrant and his tricorn hat-wearing trash pile here...

This week our heroes learn about this Bonobo character everyone’s been harping on about. Turns out it’s more than just the name of the town... But mystery and conspiracy couldn’t be farther from Window’s mind, as it comes to terms with its recent homicidal actions. Can Window turn itself down the path of righteousness and pacifism? Not if Simon has anything to say about it! Listen in to the surprisingly legitimate character development in Episode 26 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #25 - Stabbin' In The Woods

Dear Diary,

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Not some podunk barkeep like my momma and her daddy before her. It’s not what I’d call the grandiose life, and I can’t help but feel downtrod seeing all those white-robed folks parading around town lately. I mean, I know Bonobo’s great and all, but I sure as shoot don’t know what hiddly piddly they’re getting up to in that tree. Seems to me they’re putting on airs that their asses can’t cash, but damned if it don’t seem like the good life. Well, I guess I’ll just get back to spiking the ale with coal dust. Gives it that extra carbony flavor. Hopefully some high-class adventurers will come through town soon and give me a new lease on this small-town life...

This week our adventurers find themselves received as welcome guests and not imprisoned fugitives for a change. Yes, the Town of Bonobo welcomes all kinds, provided you are willing to work for your stay. So things may prove a bit hairy for our lackadaisical adventurers, especially after they hear what’s been going on around town. All this and a tavern called The Surly Burly Man in Episode 25 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #24 - Storm of the Eye

Barnabus Medical Journal entry #2694:

32nd of Arthember

Blood Pressure: More elevated than usual

Cloaca: More elevated than usual (by my direction)

The lord has received many contusions and lacerations throughout his short sixteen years on this planet, though I fear we may have reached the point of no return with this latest bout of… “cramping.” The lord exhibits symptoms typical of the birthing process, but by the fangs in my maw, I cannot figure out from whence this “child” arrived. Not to say that the lord is unpopular, but the odds of him copulating with another living being are only slightly better than the odds of him successfully murdering his father. Which is to say, zilch. Perhaps it was from that strange relationship he had with that fire-halfing. They did engage in an awful lot of dexterity contests…

Yes, our heroes find themselves out of their comfort zones this week. Simon continues his beef with the artist formerly known as Stormsbane, while Dap deals with the miracle of birth. And throughout it all Lo’Kron mourns the loss of his sweet sweet grip tape. All this and bees on Episode 24 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #23 - Elementally Schooled!

Ladies and gentlemen! This Sunday Sunday Sunday! Get ready for an arena packed full of Action Action Action! Four fugitives face all that the elements have to throw at them to prove their ability to handle all that the elements have to throw at them! This Sunday Sunday Sunday! A face off unlike any you’ve ever seen in the Thunder Dome! Now with actual Thunder! In an actual Dome! Get ready for your heart to jump up out of your chest and steal your wallet to go buy more beer because you’re gonna need it! This Sunday Sunday Sunday!

Yes, this Sunday our adventurers face their greatest test yet: A test! The Council of Elements has seen fit to judge our heroes on their ability to work as a team in harmony with the world around them. The same basic test that any cadet of the Elemental Garrison must pass. So easy a child could do it. You see where I’m going with this… Tune in to find out all the new ways the party signs their own death warrants in Episode 23 of The Kain Campaign!