Episode

Kain Campaign #37 - Go Go Gorgorath!

Magistrate Nee, you may want to see this. This scrying mirror that we normally use to look at our cute little bird faces is showing us something interesting.

It appears that a group of dinosaurs and a pile of foreign trash has infiltrated the city and is attempting to rally the dinos. Obviously, the oppressed lower class won’t be able to organize easily thanks to the centuries of systematic and internalized subjugation, but if this is a particularly charismatic pile of trash, we may have something to worry about.

Yes, you’re right, sir. At least the group’s not being led by an incredibly tiny individual…

This week the Dino Crew comes home to their dark Underdark home city of Gorgorath. Simple Garbage Boy and Window are in for some surprises as they walk the waste-strewn slums and meet the dino populace, whose oppression they’ve come to end. But how will they rouse this rabble of raptors when they don’t even know the local customs. Maybe the rest of the dino crew can help for a change.

Back in time, the Prom Boyz get a holy visitor when Kurz explains his rules for safe time-travelling. Can the Boyz prevent paradoxes and take down Terra? Find out in Episode 37 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #36 - Heart Attackers!

Main Magma Well Log: 34th Day of Beckruary

The well began steaming this morning. Cause unclear. May be some stray water got into the lava pool run-off, though it hasn’t rained in several days; heat from the well keeps the surrouding air temperature far above the dew point, preventing any precipitation. Testing the pool’s composition to determine exact percentage of moisture. Probably no reason for alarm. The ground is frozen this far beneath the crust, but as long as the earth to ice ratio stays high, there won’t be any explosive expansion of steam from melting ice…

Do you feel that rumbling?

This week our heroes’ interrogation of Liiara, the lying eladrin, is interrupted by the boom of a bursting bubble. Yes, it’s time for another LotR reference when the Terra Pirates delve too deep and too greedily, unleashing a familiar frozen foe. The gang teams up with indigo-eyed interloper to “save” the day once again. Plus Simple Garbage Boy messes with some cosmic interdimensional forces that he doesn’t fully understand. It’s about time in Episode 36 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #35 - Sul-Furious!

Alright, walk me through this one more time. Yer’ tellin’ me that we’re changing sides? Ain’t gonna werk for the Earth Spirit no more? I know the Earth Spirit’s been a bit on the quiet side since losing the battle to the Ice Spirit, but I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a good gig. The worst we gotta deal with is diggin’ through some hard packed clay. If’n we start werkin’ for the Fire Spirit, who may or may not be long dead, won’t we start gettin’ burned on a regular basis? I mean, look at Froederik! It looks like he’s been wearin’ a suit of clothes made out of fire or some such nonsense… I’m not sure that’s fer’ me...

This week our heroes continue their quest to root out the Terra cultists and set them ablaze with the zeal of the Fire Spirit. And Lo’Kron actually may set everyone on fire because apparently he can summon fire elementals now just like, whenever… What’s even happening?! When did they get so powerful? I remember when they were trying to solve a salmon mystery for Kurz’s sake! See how far they’ve come in Episode 35 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #34 - Terra-ble News!

Ay, mon frer! Did you hear that noise? It sounded like a miniature explosion of some sort down the beach a piece.

What could our ship-building brethren have discovered that could have possibly caused an explosion? They work with stone and water for Earth Spirit’s sake… Pfff!

I say, they have got to be the softest stones in all of Terra, if you take my meaning. Hell, they’re so witless, a complete stranger could approach them, tell them to worship the Fire Spirit or some such nonsense, and I do believe they’d listen… Thankfully the Fire Spirit’s been dead, or near enough, for centuries now. Yes, I'm certain there's nothing to worry about...

This week our heroes travel to the vacation destination of the century: Port Artisana!

This not-so-tropical getaway comes complete with earthen ships, fresh-made land, and a variety of Terra cultists! Yes sir, you’ll have the time of your lives as you attempt to convert these earth-loving pirates to your fiery cause. And don’t forget to take advantage of our patented fireball-proof accommodations. All this and more is waiting for you in Episode 34 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #33 - Flutterby Brooding

Booty Diary Entry #1:
Hello, Diary. I was just born. How are you?

This life is strange. One minute, I was just a vessel of pure psionic thought channeling and refracting arcane light, and then all of a sudden I’m some sort of snake reincarnation of the Fire Spirit with a talking butt. No matter what my brother says, I’m still convinced he’s my butt. I mean, have you ever heard of a butt becoming a head? It makes way more sense that a head would become a butt… I’ll keep you posted, Diary.   

This week our heroes get serious with the Eladrin diver, Liara, and attempt to get to the bottom of just what she was getting at the bottom of the ocean. Through some impressive, but at-this-point-expected BSing, Hoody manages to harpoon her majestic and innocent butterfly, preventing her escape and bringing her back into the party’s custody. Half a world and a timeline away, Dap and Barnabus are making waves at Psionic High School with his first meeting of the Kain Empire school board. Find out what’s on the agenda in Episode 33 of The Kain Campaign!

 

Kain Campaign #32 - Corg-Bees!

Alright, dino compatriots, no sudden movements. I’ve heard that these adorable, deadly beasts can only see you if you move. They’re kind of like your T-Rex cousin, Bearleg.

Say, Small Garbage Lad, what did you say was so special about that tricorn hat? Those cuddly, giant dire corgis seem to have taken a real shine to it. I’m inclined to just let them have it in hopes they’ll run off on their precious, stumpy legs of theirs.

What’s that you say? The hat belongs to your best friend and guardian, Blind-Oh? Oh, Window. I apologize, though I am a bit confused why you’d insult your best friend by referring to them as a “pile of trash”. You’re quite the mysterious character, Tiny Refuse Child. Maybe you can work some of that mysterious charm to win the affection of these darling, gigantic cuties…

This week the Prom Boyz continue their interrogation and digestion of the mysterious diver responsible for sinking the Terra Cultists’ ship. Will this partially dissolved pirate be able to help the party get back to their original timeline and their loving and/or simple Garbage Boys?

Back in the Future, SGB and his new dino-friends find themselves at odds with an absurdly cute pack of dire corgis bent on hat-acquisition. Can SGB save the only tie to Window he has left? Listen in and find out in Episode 32 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #31 - Whale Tale!

Mayday! Mayday! We be goin’ down! There’s no response, Cap’n… I think we may be sunk fer good and all. I knew that new crewmate was no good. Her and her elvish good looks. ‘Taint natural fer a being that aesthetically gifted to ride the waves. ‘Tis more fittin’ fer Terra pirates like us.

Ya know what I’ll miss in the afterlife? Pillaging and looting in the name of the Earth Spirit. ‘Twas a jolly time, collecting all manner ‘o masterwork items what fer building that beautiful drilling machine. Oh would that I were alive to see its completion upon the night o’ the eclipse. Oh well, COME AND TAKE ME, YA BLASTED WATERY BASTARD! YER’ OCEANIC DEPTHS DON’T SCARE ME! Oh, hey, before we die, Cap’n, check out that whale with the beautiful chestnut brown locks. Looks like it's got some trash bags in its mouth...

This week our heroes find themselves still at the bottom of the ocean, though now things seem far more watery than just a moment ago. Or should I say a moment four weeks from now? You’ll see what I mean...

Things get all churned up when our heroes discover a familiar face, er, stone in the hands of a mysterious diver, though there’s only so much they can do while struggling against the crushing pressure and exorbitant amount of available whale jokes. Listen in to all the baleen themed humor in Episode 31 of The Kain Campaign!

Also appearing in this episode is the Celestial Legend of Captain Marshall Rials: Leader of the Thieves Guild, who quashed the Dark Grey vs. Light Black rebellion of 964DE, here inscribed for all eternity (and for the sake of clarity):

There is a tale, that without fail is sung from ship to mount
Of blood and cloaks, and cosmic jokes, 'tis an awfully grim account
The Guild of Thieves, many believe, would ne’er withstood such trials
Lest the command, and practiced hand of The Captain Marshall Rials.
Oh the minstrels e’er will sing of it, Captain Rials’s fateful day
His captain-hood had all been good till one thief donned the Grey
“Tis not dark-black” his brother attacked, with word as well as blade
a spray of blood, then in the mud, down fell the lighter shade.
“Order, fellows!” Rials bellowed, as tempers flashed and flared
His booming voice, gave men no choice, ‘xcept to calm and clear the air
And so it was, ended the cause, o’ this lack o’ fashion sense
Til the guild woke, amid twelve Grey cloaks, one morning three days hence.
The rebels stood, peered through grey hoods at their brothers in their beds
“Lay down your knives and keep your lives,” the courageous Captain said
“Sit down, old man! Tis out ch-yer hands,” one Grey sneered, “Say yer prayers”
Rials eyed the blades, donned a pair of sick shades, and loosed forth a booming, “YEEEEEAAAAAAAAH”
The shocking blast, when finally past, left a motionless Captain Rials
But upon reflection, a close inspection would note his knowing smile
Attempting to stand, the Grey leaned a hand, upon one of his cloaked brothers
But looking around, Grey and Black both found, they couldn’t tell one from another
His final deed, all have agreed, freed the Thieves Guild from its strife
For the greater good, he gave his captain-hood, and with it, his mortal life
But the Captain’s ghost, in his new heavenly post, still wore his knowing smile
“The rebellion fell, with a Color Blindness Spell”, laughed The Legend Marshall Rials

Kain Campaign #30 - Gate Expectations!

I think we took a wrong turn at the River Styx, Ark! I knew we should have asked that boatman for directions.

I know, I know, when you're as handsome as you are, you don’t need directions. But it’s the principle of the thing, Ark!

Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. We had enough snapping from the left-head of that dog. I’m just kind of nervous about seeing the old gang again.

I sort of felt like I never fit in. Sometimes it even felt like they were against me. Like they resented the fact that an NPC, a Notary Pretty Clearly, would try to join up with a cool group of PCs, Personable Chaps, like yourselves…

Oh well, I think it might just be in my head. I’m sure they’ll be super happy to see us, Ark! That is if we ever find where in the Nine Hells they are. Does your favorite bat, Blake H. Winkelhopfner, have any leads?

This week our heroes find themselves transported to a realm of mentality and thought. So they’re at a disadvantage right away. What entity has brought them here, and for what purpose? I’m sure there will be an exceedingly well-articulated speech from David to clear everything up. Yes sir, not a speck of confusion here.

But while the gang reels from having their minds blown, they’re surprised by a visit from a familiar friend. I’ll give you a hint: he’s super handsome… Tune in for the special return of Arkmenos in Episode 30 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #29 - Dappy Trails!

Barnabus Medical Journal entry #2701:

8th of Biztober

Heart Rate: Flat-lined

Cloaca: Just flat

The lord, er, my ignoramus of a grandson has once again found himself on the receiving end of a self-inflicted beating. At least this time there was less placenta around, but no less internal bleeding and gushing. It’s a good thing I’m here to treat his wounds -- that Lo’Kron fellow seems to have finally overdosed. I fear that Dap’s new pancake body may be here for a while. He wouldn’t even be able to use a wheel-drake, let alone walk, so it falls to me once again to carry my grandson like the baby he is. Though his soft scales do fit my style, and I think he’s fat enough to cover me like a large, flatulent poncho. Will report more in my next entry.

And we’re back! Yes, this week we return full force to our beloved Prom Boyz fresh off their victory over the psionic virus of Bonobo. Like so many battered and beaten heroes, Lo’Kron’s found himself religion, praying to the benevolent Kurz as he goes through what I can only assume is the most painful detox session ever.
Window and Simon have the Wind Spirit on the brain as they plan out their next adventure, and what to do about the newly sentient fire-cobra, Hoody. Tune in and find out what’s in store for our heroes this season on Episode 29 of The Kain Campaign!

Ballad of the Norc Orcs Ep.3 - Dam Vampire Ire!

Orok, yur wurryin’ fur no reason. Ya didn’t hear nuthin’! I’ve been guard on Wurmtvaal’s dam fur almost four springs now, and one night is the same as every othur night. We walk along the top of the dam, checking fur cracks in the skin uf the wurm, and then we walk back. It’s no glamorous life, but it keeps a tent over ma’ family’s heads. Ya think Uunda would ever forgive me if’n I gut fired fur raisin’ a false alarm just because ya thought ya hurd something climbing through the sludge ducts into the dam? She’d have ma wurm off, if ya catch ma meanin’. Now quit yur whinin’ and bend over…

To look fur cracks, ya gross idiot! What did ya think I meant?!

This week brings us to the end of the Norc Orc saga, and with it, we find our heroes at war amongst themselves. Bork finally gets a chance to live his dreams of vampirism, but when his idols ask him to commit some mid-to-heavy vandalism, will he follow in their high heeled bootsteps, or will he follow his siblings along the just path. Maybe a little of both? Find out in Episode 3 of the Ballad of the Norc Orcs!