Episode

Kain Campaign #22 - Twelve Angry Birds

Now gentlemen, I truly must object; we’re all reasonable beings here! I may just be a simple Kain tree-lawyer, but I’ll be disbarred before I see those young (and old) misguided boys thrown unduly to the wind without a fair shake at a trial! Yes, they may have unleashed the true heat of the Flame Spirit upon the land, but I can say without a reasonable doubt that I would not be here talking to you today, man to animated-tree, if it weren’t for those boys and The Growth that they seeded. And so, Mr. Dakon Stormsbane, leader of the Elemental Garrison, sir, if you’ll please excuse me, before I defend these boys in court I must procure a leaf-suit and bowtie befitting a tree of the law. Good day.

This week the party finds themselves on trial before a jury of their peers. Well, a jury of their betters. Yes, the Elemental Council has a few questions for our heroes, but legal proceedings and verbal trickery aren’t all that awaits them. New allies and old adversaries crawl out of the woodwork (some more literally than others). Will our beloved adventurers be judged innocent or sentenced to a life of being executed? Find out on Episode 22 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #21 - Jail Wait!

Can you believe zis, Ren? Zis gods-forsaken pile of trash iz full of bees! When zey told us to search it for weapons, I thought it was just Stormsbane being an ass as usual. I know you think he’s so respectable and just, Ren, but he’s just another pig-headed boss who doesn’t see farther than the end of his own sword. Who arrests a garbage heap? Does he think it had something to do with releasing ze fire spirit? Even if zese bags did have something to do with Ze Growth, what possible punishment could we sentence zis trash to? Twenty years in solitary can-finement?

This week our adventurers find themselves stuck between a cloud and hard place. In a twist of fate, they’re finally being held responsible for their actions - a new experience for Dap for certain. After unleashing the true force of the Fire Spirit upon the land, the Elemental Garrison had a few choice words for them. Namely “under” and “arrest.” The gang has the right to remain silent, but they waive the hell out of that right in Episode 21 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #20 - Fire & Dice!

Fire Spirit Construct V1.2 Operations Manual

Congratulations on the purchase of your brand new Fire Spirit Construct! Over the next 497 pages, we will cover the assembly, operation, and maintenance of your brand new construct. Owning your own manifestation of the Fire Spirit’s elemental power is an exciting feeling, but before we move on to the assembly instructions, a word of warning: Never adjust the flow rate on the furnace bellows while piloting the FSCV1.2. These settings have been finely tuned by Tinder artificers to operate at a “good reasonable flow rate.” We cannot stress enough that even if you and your copilots are being attacked some sort of gargantuan iceberg serpent, you should certainly not turn this flow rate to its maximum setting as it could have catastrophic consequences…

Alright! Let’s get into the assembly instructions. First find your allen wrench…

This week our heroes find themselves in every 10-year-old’s dream of piloting a giant megazord-esque construct. Will they be able to come together as a team to dispose of their icy foes once and for all? Or will they bicker amongst themselves and blunder their way through? Take a wild guess… Listen in to all the accidentally awesome action in Episode 20 of The Kain Campaign!

 

Kain Campaign #19 - Dakon Care of Business!

HQ to Stormsbane. Come in, Stormsbane. What’s your status? … …. I don’t know, Gareth. He’s been down there a while. I know he’s the leader, but it seems awfully dangerous leaving behind all his backup, shaking hands with an iceberg he’s never even met before, and getting sucked into some sort of ice dungeon. Sure he’s super strong and well stocked on the potion front, but what if he meets a horde of angry spiders? Or an unethical sauna salesmen? Or worse… a group of wannabe heroes?

This week our wannabe heroes find themselves rudely awakened by none other than Dakon Stormsbane, Leader of the Elemental Garrison. And what does the party do to people who try to save their lives? The same thing they do to everybody! Try to kill them. To be fair, there was some polite ordering around on Dakon’s part, which is pretty rude and violence-worthy if you think about it. Oh and Wick has a revelation, but nobody really cares about that. All this and more in Episode 19 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #18 - Ice Dream Sunday!

Imagine if you will, a room filled with trash. Maybe it’s leftover newspapers, or perhaps tin cans filled with honey. It seems to be less of a room and more of a mountainous void. There’s a light up around the bend. Or maybe it’s directly in front of you. A boy is hunched over a garbage fire. He appears quite simple. But he is the sole inhabitant of… The Window Zone!

This week our adventurers journey inwards as they find themselves beguiled by a frozen sorcerer and her introspective-brand of magic. Just when you thought they couldn’t get any more self-centered, the party finds themselves face to face with their own subconscious. What truths will they uncover in these revealing dreamscapes? I’ll give you a hint: Lo’Kron’s dream is about clovers. Tune in for even more exciting personal discoveries in Episode 18 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #17 - I Am The Lorax, I Speak For The Trees!

I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees!

For beasts large and small: From dragons to fleas

Jungle cats, vultures, boa constrictors, and bees

I speak for them all, and they’re extremely displeased!

 

With your icy misdoings, and evil collusion  

You’ve ruined our forest with your frosty intrusion

We don’t buy for a sec, your “preserver” illusion

We’ll bring your cold ass to a fiery conclusion


This week our adventurers continue their delve into the depths of the fire spirit’s giant skeleton. Do fire giants really have skeletons? In my world they do, so shut up! After their first encounter with a Tundra cultist, they’ve learned their lesson and have their guards up. Just kidding, they keep getting tricked. It’s sort of their shtick! Tune in for all the poorly planned pretense in Episode 17 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #16 - Growing Cold Together!

Dear Diary,

It’s been seven-thousand, three-hundred, and sixty eight days since I started my gig as a guardian serving the Ice Spirit. And to tell you the truth, Diary, today I am not digging it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still as tight as ever with the Ice Spirit (Ice Spirit 4eva, yo), and I totally get that my job’s important. But some days I do feel a little unappreciated. How are you supposed to have any amount of self esteem if there’s nobody around to tell you you’re doing a good job or that your hair looks really nice today. I just really wish that I had some friends to chill with. I’d preserve them in ice for the rest of eternity, and we could have all sorts of cryogenic fun together. But what are the odds that a group of adventurers would ever make it this far into the depths of the sleeping fire giant...

This week our heroes travel downwards through the Giant’s Hand and into the Giant’s Forearm and Giant’s Elbow. Their anatomy lesson is interrupted, though, by ravenous monsters and deception most foul. Will our heroes be able to see through the smoke and mirrors and discern the truth? Certainly not! Have you met them?! Listen in to all the misguided trust and rash decision making in Episode 16 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #15 - Cabin Fever!

Ah, brother, I tell ya it sure is nice to unwind after a hard day of owning slaves and just being a generally malevolent bastard. You know what I love most about it? The fact that all those poor souls living the hard life are down there, and the two of us are safely all the way up here in our awesome winged cabin doing Johnny Angel’s bidding. It’s not every croney that gets such luxurious working and living conditions. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass to get up here, what with the perilous rope climbing. And I suppose it would be a rather enticing prize for some treasure-minded adventurers considering the sacks of gold and magical relics we’ve got stashed up here. It’s a good thing Johnny Angel is alive and well keeping us safe. Let’s make a toast to him, eh? To Johnny Ang--*gasp*

This week we rejoin our three heroes as they watch Ark and Braek’s silhouettes fade into the sunset. And then they remember that Ark took all the gold with him! But as so many daytime TV commercials will tell you, it is possible to get rich quick, if you’re willing to take a few risks. In this case, raiding the flying cabin of the top-slavers. Inside our heroes will find action, riches, and maybe even a new friend?!?!?!?!!?! Find out in Episode 15 of the Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #14 - Heart Braek-ers!

You know your screams are pointless at the top of this mountain. No one will hear them, and even if those peasants down there did hear, why would they help you? They know that I am the law here. I am the name on everybody’s lips. I am the prince they all adore.

You. You’re not even good looking. I don’t understand what that horned idiot sees in you, but you’re going to be my ticket to cutting his part once and for all. When I’m through with him, no one in all the Nine Hells will know the name Arkmenos.

You don’t have to protect him anymore. He’s not coming to save you. You’ve been holding out on me, and it’s actually rather impressive how long you’ve lasted. So why don’t you just put this at an end and tell me what I want to know... Did Ark get a nose job?!

This week we welcome back our mighty Prom Boyz for Season 2! After the family drama and romantic tension of psionic prom, the party decided to forgo all of that and strike out on a straight up rescue mission. Everyone’s favorite NPC, Braek, has been captured by villainous slavers, and that means Ark’s coming to the rescue! But there’s devilish happenings behind the scenes that Ark will have to uncover before he’s reunited with his Number 1 Fan! Listen in for all the crying and hugging in Episode 14 of The Kain Campaign!

Sea King Campaign #2 - My Kingdom For A Seahorse!

Say Stu, what do you think the chances are that them three adventurin’ blokes make it back from the darin’ quest what we sent them on? After we showed ‘em hows they could locomote themselves ‘neath the waves, they jumped straight into the inky black without so much as a how-de-do, much less a contingency what we could follow seein’ if they never returned. Them three did seem rather inclined toward violence, if you take my meaning, and I wager it would work out awful poor for us if we, as their lone get-away vehicle, were to abandon them during their voyage into the Mad King’s undersea lair. Perhaps if we find ourselves in such a predicament, we shall throw ourselves upon the mercy of that robotic fella, who counterintuitively seemed to have what you’d call the biggest heart amongst the three. I suppose our best hope would be that suppose’n they do defeat the Mad King and his Naga minions, the trio is somehow magically transported to a nearby shore, and our part in this whole nasty mess would then be at an end. An anticlimactic end, truly, but an end in which we are yet in possession of all our bodily appendages. Aye, a sailor can hope…

This week our “heroes” find themselves creeping through the hallowed halls of the Mad Sea King himself. But these coral-lined corridors aren’t nearly as tranquil as their sculpture-work would have you believe. Can our trio best the artfully-carved terrors that lurk beneath the waves and reach the Mad King of the Sea? Find out in Episode 2 of the Sea King Campaign!